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Drivers

OK, Iím really getting sick of stupid drivers. After years of observation, Iíve come up with the following categorizations. And it gives me a chance to practice my alliteration.

Phone-talking phuckheads: Despite all of the documented scientific evidence, a lot of people continue to make and receive phone calls while moving in traffic. I can guess with almost 100% certainty when Iím following someone driving erratically, too slowly or other stupidity, that they are talking on a cell phone.  Iím getting really good with my pantomime ďHang up the phoneĒ motion when I see someone do some especially stupid thing. States like New York have passed laws completely bannnig hand-held cell phone use while driving. Here in Texas they almost passed a law mandating hands-free devices but it died at the last minute - hmmm industry lobbyists at work???  Hereís a hint - hang up the phone and focus your concentration on driving your two-ton rolling death machine.

No-blinker buttwipes: Your turn indicator lever is there for a reason - it tells other drivers what you are going to do, so they can prepare and everything can happen safely.  If you donít use it, youíre making unexpected movements in traffic and put everyone around you in danger. So just use it!

Left-lane losers: These people think they have a God-given right to drive below the speed limit in the far left-lane. The ignore people behind them waiting to pass, or reminding them to get out of the way by a headlight flash. Hereís a bit of information for you: in the vast majority of locations, youíre breaking the law!  In places like Germany you *must* drive in the right-most possible lane to allow faster traffic to pass you safely.  Even here in get-me-my-gun-Ethel Texas, you have to stay to the right, even if you are going at least the speed limit. Itís not your job to block faster traffic so get the fuck out of the way.

Handicap-parking Hosers: These people are too lazy to find a proper parking space so they actually park in clearly-marked handicap spaces.  They have many justifications: just running in and out, nobodyís using it, raining, I have small children, etc. I actually watched a minivan soccer mom moron park in a handicap space. I waited for her to hang her tag from the rear-view mirror but she got out and started walking, in a very non-handicapped manner, toward the store. I walked up and said ďHey, you forgot to put your handicap tag on the mirror - I donít want you to get the $200 ticket...Ē  She gave me a nasty look but we both clearly knew what I was saying.  After a few seconds she grunted, walked back to the minivan and moved it to an empty slot 3 spaces away. The handicap spaces are there for a very good reason and if youíre not handicapped, keep your fat ass out of them. The extra 5 seconds you have to walk may even burn off a few more calories from that packet of deep-fried pork rinds sitting on your dashboard.

Canít-Merge Morons: These people donít have the foresight to cleanly and safely merged into the high-speed traffic on a highway. They drive up the ramp at 35 and then at the last minute look to their left. Itís like theyíre amazed that there isnít a magic space in traffic just waiting for them! They then either slam on the brakes or try to speed up and find a way into traffic before the on-ramp ends.  Hereís a clue: Look at what the traffic is doing at the earliest possible point.  Pick your merge slot and manage your speed to be able to slip into that space cleanly.  Getting into the existing traffic stream safely is *your* responsibility, so give your brain a workout and think ahead a whole 5 seconds.

There are several other minor categories which I will write up later.  If you have any suggestions, drop me an email.